oh sheesh

sorry for all that sap in the previous entry. sometimes, the urge just hits you. right now i am wishing i could write like EJ, with her razor-sharp wit and sweetly vulnerable metaphors, always funny, never wrong. however, i am just not quite that cool. so you'll probably get stuck with a sappy, questioning, rhetorical entry again. but then, if you didn't derive some pleasure from reading this crap, you probably wouldn't be here.

so my questioning today has to do with the nature of love. and my question is, what the hell? why can't we choose who we love? why is love so inconvenient? so fragile and delicate and soft, and yet impossible to ignore? why isn't the head closer to the heart? here's my thing (and i have to be discreet now because everyone i might want to refer to is probably reading this): i am in love, but i won't let myself be in love. it's like there is this self-made blockade somewhere in my brain that is only allowing messages from my pragmatic, self-righteous side to reach me, and all of the beautiful, happy feelings are getting the door slammed in their face, or getting redirected, or getting deleted (pick your favorite analogy). it's miserable for me and for him. i would give anything to be able to release all of those feelings, but they refuse to come out. i don't understand love.

if we are the masters of our own destiny, then we should be able to control our feelings. the fact that we can't i think proves the existence of fate. it proves that we are still in the hands of something greater. and yet, i find it impossible to then trust in this greater power, because frankly, it isn't making any fucking sense at the moment. so i know i'm supposed to just sit back and let things happen as they happen, take it one day at a time. but there is this very strong part of me insisting that that is the wrong thing to do! you can't just sit back and hope that something up there is taking care of everything. you have to be able to trust in yourself. you have to be able to take charge and choose life and love like no one is watching. this was a very big realization for me some months ago, and it set me out on a journey that i thought i was reaching the end of, and now all i see is more road ahead, more of the same heartache and depression and confusion.

i guess this is a pretty typical situation, maybe rehashed one too many times. maybe i'm thinking about it too hard. it is just so perplexing to be told by your head that you need to be alone, and to be told by your heart that you need him. i thought writing it down would help and now i just want to delete this whole entry because it didn't help at all. *sigh*

today, it has been exactly two years since my father died. i can never seem to shake the feeling that everything would be easier if he was here. i know it wouldn't be, i know i have to do this on my own. and this question ultimately has nothing to do with him. but after all, he is the ideal against which i measure all my Someones, and he has definitely run the gamut of relationships. father died of a heart attack when he was 17, left at the altar at 19, married at 22, divorced at 27, remarried at 32. celebrated his 20th wedding anniversary in august of 2001, and a month later he had a time limit on his life. so i somehow feel like he would be able to offer some sage advice at this point in my life, as i'm very nearly following his experiences.

i wonder if cancer really does get everyone in the end. if you live long enough, sooner or later cancer just becomes so probable that it is almost a miracle if you don't get it at some point in your lifetime.

sorry if this is depressing on such a strange and mournful day. it's so rainy and cold outside. i don't mean to scare anyone; i'm not about to go lock myself in my room and weep. lots of good things are happening too. i have begun the move-in process to 439 Third Apt. 7. it is so beautiful and cozy. and i'm beyond excited to be living with emily. i slept there for the first time last night and my bed is AWESOME. full size, sweet mattress, down comforter....you should all come experience the magic. slumber party, fools!

maybe writing all this down did help. i certainly feel like i got something off my chest.