christmas cookies and candlelight

something about today made me change my mind about the holidays. lately i've been quite down about them--down on capitalism, and consumption, and just generally feeling depressed about SPENDING so much money on things i know my family will love for a week and then forget i gave it to them last christmas, and next year ask for the same thing (that happened). and i spent the day at Twelve Oaks (huge big annoying stressful casino of a shopping mall) which only depressed me more, because it's all made to feel so special and yet every store feeds you the same lines and everyone looks tired and everything reminds you of every christmas movie/memory/song you've ever seen/had/heard, and there are no windows, only skylights, and so much traffic and everyone is in a hurry and i just had a terrible time, really. and i couldn't find anyone's gifts.

but then i came back home, and took a fifteen minuute nap, and went out to grab a drink with my favorite college professor, buzz alexander. and by god if he doesn't inspire me to be a better person more than anyone else i've ever met. talk about a mentor. i am able to talk to him about things i don't tell anyone else. he draws things out of me that i didn't know existed. and he gives me advice, GOOD advice, advice i'm not scared to act upon. and he believes in the power of art, like i do, and the belief that it can change the world and our lives and others' lives and that it betters everything around everyone. i'm being very...ebullient. and gushy. but it was just so nice. and then i came home again and my mother had made pizzocheri (buckwheat noodles, potatoes, swiss chard, cheese, all baked into a casserole-type dish that is among the more nourishing things i've ever experienced), and we ate and chatted and i drank wine and felt like an adult and my mom said she doesn't really think of me as a child anymore. and then the phone rang, and it was my great-uncle, my grandfather's brother, who despite his brother having passed away when my mother was 11 still is part of our family. and he had the amazing news that one of my first cousins, who was thought to have been schizophrenic all his life, has "turned a corner" and has a girlfriend and has reconnected with his father, my great-uncle, and everyone is crying and reminiscing and i turned to the proverbial audience of my movie of my life and said, so that's what christmas is all about.

it's not about christ, not for me, and it's not about money, and it's not about red and green sweaters and kitsch (the way milan kundera defines it--a mask of beauty hiding something undeniably shitty). it's about love, and family, and good smells, and inspiration and turning points. i never thought i'd say this, but i found the christmas spirit in me tonight. and i will be damned if i let some stupid christmas song shake it out of me.

so, shout-outs:
malinsk: let me put my love into you.
max: i watered your plant today and felt better.
chris: boh. give me your toblerones. how is the comforter working out for you?
pat: thank you for that day making cookies--relaxation is something i could get used to!
susie: (and sam?) at long last! i hope you two have a wonderful visit. hey, merry christmas for what it's worth. i feel like i can say that since it's different in england. also--when are YOU visiting? :)
avani: hi! i have jones' number if you still need it.
graham: hey guys, let's go to an amusement park! hope it isn't haunted! andrew's drinking tang (i'm drinking tang!)!
mitch: how's your rib?
whoever else (friendsters?): may your days be merry and bright and not sucky and annoying. call me anytime.

xoxo,
carol