three days and counting

ok. so some of you who know me well know that i frequent ann arbor bars. and some of you who know me better know that i can drink many people under the figurative table. i like drinking. i like drinking beer. i don't do it out of any special motivation to get totally blown out of my mind, i don't like to be so far gone i can't feel my legs, but i like the high and the freedom from social awkwardness i get when i'm drunk. things just...get easier. and naturally this is quite unhealthy, and there are many other ways to not feel so socially awkward (for example, hang out with people who don't suck), but drinking gets there faster. it cuts out all the bullshit and you can just start having a good time almost immediately. plus, and here's where it gets heavy, sometimes i get a little lonely, and sitting at home by myself doesn't quite cut it. sitting at a bar, where there are people, with a good book and a good beer, is seriously one of my favorite things to do. lots of people think i am nuts because i love to do this. but really, the scariest, most lonely feeling is the one you get when no one is watching you. (someone once told me that life was like a movie, only the thing you had to realize is that nobody is watching it but you. you can't wait for someone to applaud or nudge someone else and say, "i loved that part." no one is watching but you. in a way this can be comforting, in that you really just need to make yourself happy in order to feel fulfilled. it's your life, and no one can really criticize you for how you choose to live it, because it's your damn movie. but it is just so nice when you do have people watching, isn't it?) so i sit at the bar and let the bartender bring me what i want to drink, and i smoke cigarettes and enjoy the hell out of the evening.

here's my big announcement, though. i'm trying to not drink so much. lately it's been pretty ridiculous. i'm tired of waking up with a hangover all the time. i'm tired of passing out on couches. i'm tired of not remembering what i did the night before. i'm tired of the people i drink with. i'm just tired. tired of running away from settling the score. i just need some time off. i need a vacation from my habits. i need new habits. i want some new friends. i want to make up with old friends.

what does all this mean?

carol catherine is pulling herself onto the sobriety train and riding the freight car to freedom. freedom is 11 days down the road. we've been riding for three days now and we're starting to get restless. when you're sleeping on a gunnysack and pulling on a corncob pipe, the days get stretched out like the wichitaw skyline.

all right enough of that. yeah, so i'm quitting drinking for two weeks starting september first. i want to know what it is like to really be sober for two weeks. so that's now three days down and counting. so...if you want to be my sober buddy, let me know.

did i mention i love you?