dear society

it's me, carol. how have you been faring these past three months? i have been doing quite well, happy, in love, all that. i hear things haven't been going so well on your end. all those lonely people, where do they all come from, eh? wot wot and all that. pip pip. keep your chin up and just keep on keepin' on. those poor people will get the hint sooner or later.

i suppose that's about as far as i can take that without getting fairly cynical and bitter to the point of nonsense. so, i'll stop.

i'm sitting in the computer lab at eastern michigan university waiting for matt to come back and pick me up. i am so at ease in educational settings it's stupid. i really miss being in school for some reason. it's just so easy to have a narrow perspective in school. it isn't good to have a narrow perspective. but it's easy. i can figure it out. i can live in the educational society and excuse myself from civic duty because i have a paper to write. because someone is encouraging me to think about something, a school of thought, a piece of art, the environment, whatever. i get to suspend the reality everyone has to face and exist only for the deadline, the double-spaced formatting, and the primary source. that sounds so wonderful. the syllabus. imagine if there was a syllabus for every week fo your life. this week's work: go to grocery store, purchase five items, construct meal, consume. suggested reading: the new yorker, fiction, page 87. also recommended: the la times crossword puzzle, tuesday, thursday, sunday. pay attention as these vocabulary words will be on the test.

i suppose i could construct that for myself each week. but then maybe what i really want is a teacher, a professor, an advisor to watch over me and monitor my progress. "good work today," he'd say. "you really developed your sense of group involvement and your communication skills are getting better by the minute. but where is your work on culinary arts and domestic finances? did you think i wouldn't notice? keeping up with that is critical to your success! you can do this! apply yourself!" etc. etc. i need an encourager. i need a coach. i mean am i really supposed to be my own? is that how this works? are my friends supposed to step in? if that's the case, i have been droppping the ball on them. a big, leaden ball of flakiness. plop. right on their toes.

if you read this for updates on my life (hi jeff), here we go. i have been offered a part-time teaching position at rudolf steiner high school, teaching theater during the day. i already am the assistant director of the drama program, but that's just after school. we just finished up the fall play and it was lovely. hilarious. but there's no work between the end of that one and the beginning of the next one, which is in april. so this new position would mean more money, more consistently. i said, hell yes. but they still have to look into their budget. welcome to being a teacher, i guess. in other news, or related news i guess, emerson also offered me a position teaching a third trimester elective in the spring. march-june. i can pick the topic. it just has to attract at least ten kids. i thought of doing a shakespeare comedy class--we could talk about his identity, how he's been translated into modern culture, and maybe perform something at the end. meh? i don't know how to teach, that's the funny part. i have no credentials at all save three years of experience. oh and they want me to teach a week-long camp in the summer. haha. awesome. do i wear a big sign that says, "will work for no money, love kids, please exploit my university education"? what the hell am i doing? i mean, don't get me wrong, maybe this is what i want to do. i do love kids and i will work for no money. but you know? i would really just like to not be stuck in michigan anymore. i would like to travel, you know, while i'm still *young* and all that.

and also, did i mention i'm a rock star? i've been playing more music in the past three months than probably ever before in my life. i love it. i love listening to my friends play. i love getting mistaken for someone who knows what she's doing. it's fun. it's impractical. and if i was a teacher, i probably wouldn't do it. going to shows, staying out late, while budgeting time and money? and not drinking? hmm. (i have cut wayyyy back, just so you know.) but i feel like i couldn't ever drink at all if i was a teacher. teachers are wholesome, practical, mom-like entities who plan ahead and expect your best and never get bored and are always enthusiastic and coming up with fun ways to show you the world. am i that? me? the girl who wears paperthin dresses over ripped jeans and doesn't shower often and sleeps in dirty beds and forgets to eat? the girl who at one point would drink twelve beers and three shots and then go to the bar? the girl who can't seem to remember to pay her bills on time or stop needing her mother's money or pick up any clothes off of her floor?

am i disgusting? probably. but to tell you the truth, i haven't been this happy in a long time. and it's not necessarily that i was so unhappy before. but it's a new kind of happiness, a contentedness. i'm relaxed in my life. i enjoy the challenges being thrown at me and i like that i have to think about them so much. i don't think my life needs to change right now. i don't need to get back into the game, go back to school, launch my career, right now. i think it will be okay to take things slow, take a few part time jobs, see how i like it. save money. plan a trip next year. smoothly, softly, make my life the way i want it. what i want will change, it changes all the time. but if i can make myself happy now? why wouldn't i?

my dad once said, the key to raising a perfect garden isn't taking care of the plants, it's taking care of the soil. perfect your environment and everything will thrive. so if i just focus on the big picture, i.e. my own satisfaction and happiness, even my cleanliness will improve eventually. when i want it to. i'm not perfect but i feel great. isn't that what we all should be striving for?

matt's here, finally. i leave you with a few upcoming events you should all know about:

thursday, december 8: dabenport, dreamland theater, 8 pm, ypsilanti.

friday, december 9: Margaret Elizabeth Burns Gray turns 15. Peter Louis Woiwode turns 23. descent of the holy ghost church turns 9 months old and plays at the lagerhouse at 9 pm. detroit.

saturday, december 10: pete's birthday potluck, complete with rummy, yummy, spiced cider, amaretto hot chocolate, and cutting out snowflakes, at 439 Third Street Apt. 7. 7 pm.
also, matt jones plays a solo set at the ugly mug cafe at 8 pm. if you aren't going to pete's birthday party you should really go see matt. he's unveiling a few new ones.

love peace warmth to you all.