choked up
today i am feeling a little better. i feel like the only way i can communicate is through writing sometimes. like, these thoughts are all in my head, and i know there are people who would like to hear them, but i can't speak. i am seriously considering becoming a mute. is that weird? somehow it just feels safer to write things down. for example. last night i went over to 609 ann street around 1 am because i was feeling quiet and sad from the midnight vigil for soldiers in iraq, and despite the fact that everyone there likes me and i like them, i had nothing to say. i was a terrible conversationalist. i think i offered up about two original thoughts the entire night. i asked three questions. that's about all i said, quite literally. for anyone who knows me well (better than the 609 crew), this is unusual. the same thing happened on election night--went over there and had nothing to say. the thing is, i have a LOT to say, but i pull into myself if i get even a whiff of a sensation that people aren't going to be on the same page as me. i hate being put on the spot without a safety net. i should really get over that, huh. i have been on the other side of the coin before--i have yelled at people for silencing themselves, i think it's the worst thing you can do. there is no way anything will happen for you if you don't raise your voice, literally and figuratively. i am an activist for voices more than anything else. so why can't i speak?
i think this too shall pass, i know it will, and i'm not afraid that things won't turn out all right. in fact that's one of the only things i have faith in. *shrug* if i need to be silent for awhile, i will. eventually i'll speak up again.
maybe i'm alone too much. i bet that's what it is. i'm so used to having a boyfriend right there beside me, all the time; being able to say the first thing that pops into my head without checking it first. constant communication. even when we were silent, max and i were still talking to each other. i guess it's pretty natural that i would feel a little shy about throwing myself back into the world of normal, frightened, insecure people. it just seems like sometimes everyone has it all figured out, and i'm just missing something, or i have it figured out but no one wants to hear it. at least i can still write whatever i want, shut my eyes and hit "publish post" and hide in my safe house without fear of anyone answering any of my questions, or god forbid asking some of their own.
don't ever listen to "dear chicago" by ryan adams on a rainy day, alone in front of your keyboard. it makes your heart feel like a broken egg.
spinning: in the aeroplane over the sea, neutral milk hotel
posted by carolcatherine at 1:20 PM
4 Comments:
Maybe if I spent less energy trying to be not frightened and insecure I could work on being courageous and confident.
that is an excellent way to put it. inspirational, even. i think i'm moving toward that. it's funny, it's so easy to think that once you're not insecure you are instantly secure. but it really is more of a continuum. you don't automatically become courageous just because you're not cowardly. yes. it's all fitting together now. i will turn eveything around. once you're working towards a goal instead of away from it, everything is easier. like a brilliant blinding light from heaven....vanilla thunder knows just what to say.
omg, thunder from heaven. soooooo funny.
you captured exactly how i feel in england. i don't remember how to talk, how to have normal conversations. there is something in that constant support from boyfriends that can make you so outgoing and comfortable. i feel terrified to talk, like everything i say is being judged, but its not! this is so silly and it is definitely making it hard for me to meet people. i just freeze up. i forget that i know how to make conversation and that i have things to say. i just answer the "so where you from?" question and leave it at that. and i think ou're right, being alone all day (or semi alone, or whatever) makes being around people a whole, new, unusal experience.
-susie.
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