nervous

the first vagina monologues rehearsal for which i am really accountable is in one hour. i feel so unprepared. i am supposed to be looking over my notes, or maybe making sure i have all the necessary paperwork for the girls, but i can't concentrate.

why is it that no matter how much i've directed, or how much theater experience i've had, i still feel totally worthless at these rehearsals? i am so intimidated by the women. i wonder if any of them will ever read this. probably so. well, ladies, if you're reading this, you are all just so damn GOOD that you make me feel self-conscious and idiotic. sorry.

damn damn damn. okay, breathe. breathe.

i broke someone's heart yesterday. how great does that feel? not, is the answer. it hurts so much to know that someone so deserving of happiness, and so amazing and generous and together and kind, is suffering so deeply. it's not just a broken heart, it's death and loss of friends, too. and i hate that i haven't been more forthcoming with my own experience in this situation, but i don't know what to say to support him. my own mental blocks when it comes to death are popping up everywhere, and i am finding it extremely difficult to explore my own grief, so what could i possibly offer him?

and even though i know i am not accountable for the way others deal with pain, i still feel incredibly guilty and responsible. all i ever want to do is make people happy, and it is so hard to realize that making someone else happy might come at the expense of making myself unhappy. this is another lesson learned from 2004. right now i need to get happy, as fast and as determined-ly as possible. reconnection with lots of old friends (partly thanks to this blog, hurray!) has made this easier. it's nice to know i have a network of wonderful people to draw inspiration and good feelings from.

has anyone else noticed that i have been getting less sarcastic and more sincere? when did that happen? what am i, growing up or some shit?

ok, i have to do this vagmons thing. i am so nervous! what if they think i'm useless?

*crosses fingers* wish me luck...