snarf snarf

i've made all these promises to myself that i wouldn't focus on anything but vagmons this week. except...that doesn't work. i'm too scattered. i don't operate on a case-by-case basis--i can't just pick one thing and do it. i need everything, all at once. that's why i'm still working this week, and why i'm wasting time blogging when i should be nailing down the schedule for sunday. thhhpt. thusly:

what a day. woke up early, tried to get work done, but it's very hard to concentrate when one is sick and has not eaten. there was no food in the house though, so i ended up staring at the computer and my notes for about two hours and gave up finally and went to work. did some shit at the theater, put in a bunch of ticket orders (canNOT believe that Curious George falls on the same day as Vagina Monologues. two things i've been working super hard on, and the one i actually get paid for i have to skip. hah! just my luck) and drug my ass to emerson.

they threatened to replace me if i didn't start showing up on time. maybe if they all weren't republicans i could give them some credit, but i hate them all superficially and without consideration, and don't care if i make them wait.

*sigh* was that mean? it's not that i hate them. i mean, i do, but that's personal. they aren't that hard to work with. and the kids are all awesome. and i do love the school. buut....every time i walk in there i am conscious of my entire self just shifting to this moderate-conservative apathetic polite loser mode that i use with boring people, parents, and members of the Michigan Theater. it frustrates me that i'm not more able to express myself around my co-workers and the kids. this sounds radical, but i just want to shake them sometimes and say "you are living in a bubble!!!!" i know--i went to emerson too, and i didn't know shit about the real world until i got out of there. don't get me wrong--private schools--i should say, emerson is an excellent educational facility, and i will always feel at home there. i had an amazing experience. but i really thought that's what the world was like. and i will always battle with the thought that i missed out on something. sure, i had a near-perfect childhood. but now i'm doing all this questioning and feeling radical and lashing out irrationally, and feeling fucking stupid because i'm almost 22 and all the cool kids got this out of their systems long ago. i don't even know what the fuck i'm talking about anymore.

**editor's note: i am referring to the employees of the after-school program, and actually, when it comes right down to it, i don't know if they're republican or not (except two of them for sure). i just don't really get along with them, for various reasons. and republican is like an unequivocal insult to me, like a bad word ("ugh! you look so....republican!" "my god, could you be any more republican?!" "yeah, well, republican you!"). seriously....don't listen to anything i say. i have no idea what i'm talking about.**

so after work i drove around, dropping kids off, and then went to the theater to do some Curious George shit. forgot to clock in AGAIN. i need a radio collar or something that buzzes when i walk right past the time-punch machine and don't punch in. then i drove to east quad, dropped off the set, and drove home finally. decided i needed some food since another day went by without eating, and ordered a dosa and a couple of samosas from madras masala (yes, i do have the number programmed into my cell phone....mmmm dosa). as i was leaving the apartment to pick up the food, my apartment key came off the little ring and i was in a hurry so i just shoved it in my pocket and took off. came back to my building, and dug around in my pocket for the key--and found a hole. fuck. fuck. my apartment key. this always happens to me. like the time i came back to germany from christmas break with my mother (she was staying for two weeks) and my room keys had fallen out of my suitcase. there we were, stuck in the hallway of my building, five or six suitcases between us, exhausted from a 15-hour flight, my german cell phone is out of batteries and i can't get into my room to fricking sit down for five seconds.

so i'm freaking out, but this little voice that has been developing lately in my head (it's probably my dad speaking to me from beyond the grave) goes, "calm down. go look in the car. in all likelihood it fell out there." i took a few deep breaths, left my food in the stairwell and walked out into the rain again. sure enough, there was the key on the seat of my car. phew.

just finished snarfing down all that food (damn, i inhaled that stuff) and now am really going to buckle down and do work. i will not be stressed out. i will focus and think of how much sleep i'm going to get when this is all over.