today is a lovely day to run.

except not really because there are still ten inches of snow on the ground. people are so territorial about their snow-shoveling. right in front of my apartment, it's fine. i have a nice, prompt landlord. the people who live on either side of me have instead chosen to tramp two feet deep footprints into the piles of snow on the sidewalk, which always of course collapse around your legs when you step in them. *sigh* why can't the world just operate in my paradigm? is that an accurate use of that word? wait, stop--i don't care.

by the way:

you needs must check this out. thank you, little brother. charlie gray brightens my world through sheer awesomeness. he told me to say that.

i sort of want to cut my hair again. in the same way that i want to go back to school. yeah, it would be great, but it's expensive and time-consuming, and i'd have to, like, work. BORING. so i'll probably just coast through this haircut like i plan to coast through this year. i will walk softly and carry my big thoughts in my heart (subverting the head-heart hierarchy) and be lazy but not boring and be well-rested and dance and not be afraid to smile and just be okay, just okay, and be okay with just being okay instead of perfect.

dear diary: today i felt like a twenty-something--an adult who understands the fundamental part of growing up is embracing the fact that you haven't yet.

ch ch ch changes

i have an annoucement to make.

after six solid years of below the shoulder curly, wavy, tangled, filthy blonde locks, i have officially done the unthinkable.

as every college graduate knows, all you want to do right after you peel off the gown is make some drastic physical change to help balance the craziness inside. for me, the impulse to cut my hair has been there since i graduated high school, which is long enough ago to be unmentionable. and i've had numerous opportune moments. moving back home, moving out of my home, moving into my own apartment, breaking up, new year's, a raise at work, etc etc. but what moment did i choose?

my hair was pretty dirty, and i thought to myself, well, i could wash it...or just cut it off.

so i cut it.

as soon as i get my act together i'll post a picture.

it'll surprise you.

no, i'm not bald, or buzzed. but they got rid of fourteen inches. you do the math.

and yes, i did donate it to Locks of Love.

anyone else got any big news?

i never thought i'd say this but...

do you like poetry? i do.


"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
"Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white"
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve

They love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
But something's better On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing
as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take
the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits, maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't
Find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing
aas the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible as long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing
Aas the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

nervous

the first vagina monologues rehearsal for which i am really accountable is in one hour. i feel so unprepared. i am supposed to be looking over my notes, or maybe making sure i have all the necessary paperwork for the girls, but i can't concentrate.

why is it that no matter how much i've directed, or how much theater experience i've had, i still feel totally worthless at these rehearsals? i am so intimidated by the women. i wonder if any of them will ever read this. probably so. well, ladies, if you're reading this, you are all just so damn GOOD that you make me feel self-conscious and idiotic. sorry.

damn damn damn. okay, breathe. breathe.

i broke someone's heart yesterday. how great does that feel? not, is the answer. it hurts so much to know that someone so deserving of happiness, and so amazing and generous and together and kind, is suffering so deeply. it's not just a broken heart, it's death and loss of friends, too. and i hate that i haven't been more forthcoming with my own experience in this situation, but i don't know what to say to support him. my own mental blocks when it comes to death are popping up everywhere, and i am finding it extremely difficult to explore my own grief, so what could i possibly offer him?

and even though i know i am not accountable for the way others deal with pain, i still feel incredibly guilty and responsible. all i ever want to do is make people happy, and it is so hard to realize that making someone else happy might come at the expense of making myself unhappy. this is another lesson learned from 2004. right now i need to get happy, as fast and as determined-ly as possible. reconnection with lots of old friends (partly thanks to this blog, hurray!) has made this easier. it's nice to know i have a network of wonderful people to draw inspiration and good feelings from.

has anyone else noticed that i have been getting less sarcastic and more sincere? when did that happen? what am i, growing up or some shit?

ok, i have to do this vagmons thing. i am so nervous! what if they think i'm useless?

*crosses fingers* wish me luck...

snow day!

why is it that no matter how many times i post, my word count always stays at 0? talk about making a girl feel insignificant.

so, snow day today! working at a school means i get all the fun benefits i got as a 4th grader--snow days, half days, parent-teacher conferences, spring break, summer vacation! who says having a 9-5 job is more fulfilling? i never have to grow up!

i guess the time has come to set down some resolutions for the coming year. setting goals has never been a priority with me, and i actually find i prefer not knowing what to do sometimes--it's comforting to just live life moment to moment. because as soon as i start planning ahead, i become an adult, a penny-pincher, ultra-maternal, and super stressed with my time. if i'm relaxed it's because i am okay with whatever happens and i have faith in my uncanny ability to come out on top (even if it takes a while). BUT. i have begun to realize that it is pretty selfish to treat others in a laid-back fashion--that is, it doesn't leave a great impression if i live moment to moment in my friendships. relationships (any and every kind) take work and stamina and generosity, but most of all, you gotta pay attention to the other person--what their needs are, what makes them happy, and behave in a way that pleases you both. relationships take planning. big lesson learned from 2004. but, i'm getting ahead of myself.

Things in 2004 that were great:

1. PCAP. joining this organization changed the way i look at the world and others. i have never grown so much in the presence of such amazing and committed people. and while it hasn't always been easy, i know that every second i spent on the Art Show, Exec, and my workshops has been worth it. maybe more worth it than anything else i had accomplished up until then. i know i'm going to stick around this group for a long time.

2. Vagina Monologues. oh...man. talk about an amazing experience. those women, those words, that message...i've never been a part of something so powerful. it was such a challenge because i've always been so afraid of women (don't ask me why, i just always felt more comfortable around guys). but by the end, i was blown away by the power of our voices. and if nothing else, getting to be directed by susie schutt, who will one day go on to make millions of people happier and better, was an honor all its own.

3. Dinner With Friends. getting to direct four of your closest friends, not to mention four of the best actors you know, in a pulitzer prize-winning show, senior year, in the RC Aud one last time, impressing your mother in a way she didn't think possible, feeling like you've finally tasted real pride? oh hell yeah.

4. graduating--super fun. i felt really happy this day, despite all the tears at the rc ceremony.

5. Michigan Theater. you know, even if it is boring sometimes, this is still the best job i've ever had. i mean, shit. free food, free beer, free movies? plus i met brian wilson, john hiatt, and steve earle. and came damn close to meeting ryan adams. AND soon...soon...i will meet conor oberst and elvis costello. *sigh* i heart michtheater. angelaa.....

6. 439 division #1. as much as i fucking hated the upstairs neighbors, and as many issues as we all had, i adored this house. and i miss my housies!

7. rudolf steiner--miss temptation--pickle? fasterest isn't a word. i'm inept! exactly--you can't lose! gee, you know all about plants and stuff...i love these kids.

ok this could go on forever. i think those were the big good changes.

so, i made a list of things that sucked, but then realized, i don't really want to post them here, for a lot of different reasons. suffice it to say, plenty sucked about last year, especially the second half, but hopefully the issues that are still spiraling around my life will settle down once i apply the following resolutions to my character and actions:

drumroll please.

2005 New Year's Resolutions:

i WILL:

*continue to save money and cease giving in to the feeling that i have to spend my tips immediately because it's free money. make fewer, larger purchases instead of lots of small, alcoholic ones. saving three dollars a night means almost ten a week--which means in a month i will have enough to buy that record player i've been wanting!

*cultivate lasting relationships by keeping in touch with old friends and not being afraid to make new ones.

*be supportive of my mother and understanding of michael.

*be on time to work at least 50% of the time (hey, even resolutions have to be reasonable)

*catalog my cds and take better care of them. upload them onto my iPod.

*keep my apartment clean and cozy, spend time at home.

*cook fabulous vegetarian feasts and experiment with fun recipes.

*listen to more talk radio and keep abreast of world events.

i WILL NOT:

*get wasted beyond recognition, but rather drink sociably and thus will not only help liver but also wallet.

*snack on popcorn at work. cherry coke, twix bars, and popcorn do not a balanced meal make, even if popcorn is a vegetable (what, it's corn!)

*eat out so often.

*wander into border's on the set break and spend $50 at a time on books i could have either borrowed, bought used, or never seen again and not have been sorry.

*get sucked into watching sex and the city reruns on on demand and waste an entire day, but rather choose one or two episodes, and then systematically turn off the tv and move on to other things. thus--no guilt. thus--a guilty pleasure becomes just a pleasure.

*listen to nothing but awful, forgettable pop songs and then curse the radio for sucking so hard.

*spend hours writing self-important blogs when i should be working.

*hang out with people out of habit but rather make careful decisions about what i want to do with my time, and act responsibly and accordingly.

*do any drugs. (not that i ever really do. but it's a good habit, right?)

Long Term Goals for 2005:

Road trip to Salt Lake City, Austin, and California. (might have to pick one/narrow those down)
Visit Onny AND Melissa in Pittsburgh.
Visit EJ in DC.
Visit Graham in NYC.
Visit Pat AND Stevie in Chicago.
Be able to afford my own place by the end of the year.
Find a lasting job that pays better with health benefits.

ok, this got boring. but look at all the planning i just did!

i'm going to go make lunch.

a wave of regret

i haven't posted anything about the tsunami yet, mostly because it is very easy to shut out the information since it's happening on the other side of the world. at the request of my conscience, here is as much information as i could find on how to give support, plus a few revealing photographs to help put things in perspective:

Google Relief ...good links
U of M Asia Relief ...if you're in the area, a meeting time and place
Apple ...more links to relief websites all over the world
Jordan Golson ...links to videos, newsreels, translations, plus interesting commentary
WaveofDestruction.org ...more videos
PunditGuy ...clever and well-spoken blogger with lots of good links

death toll up to 155,000 as of today.

oh sheesh

sorry for all that sap in the previous entry. sometimes, the urge just hits you. right now i am wishing i could write like EJ, with her razor-sharp wit and sweetly vulnerable metaphors, always funny, never wrong. however, i am just not quite that cool. so you'll probably get stuck with a sappy, questioning, rhetorical entry again. but then, if you didn't derive some pleasure from reading this crap, you probably wouldn't be here.

so my questioning today has to do with the nature of love. and my question is, what the hell? why can't we choose who we love? why is love so inconvenient? so fragile and delicate and soft, and yet impossible to ignore? why isn't the head closer to the heart? here's my thing (and i have to be discreet now because everyone i might want to refer to is probably reading this): i am in love, but i won't let myself be in love. it's like there is this self-made blockade somewhere in my brain that is only allowing messages from my pragmatic, self-righteous side to reach me, and all of the beautiful, happy feelings are getting the door slammed in their face, or getting redirected, or getting deleted (pick your favorite analogy). it's miserable for me and for him. i would give anything to be able to release all of those feelings, but they refuse to come out. i don't understand love.

if we are the masters of our own destiny, then we should be able to control our feelings. the fact that we can't i think proves the existence of fate. it proves that we are still in the hands of something greater. and yet, i find it impossible to then trust in this greater power, because frankly, it isn't making any fucking sense at the moment. so i know i'm supposed to just sit back and let things happen as they happen, take it one day at a time. but there is this very strong part of me insisting that that is the wrong thing to do! you can't just sit back and hope that something up there is taking care of everything. you have to be able to trust in yourself. you have to be able to take charge and choose life and love like no one is watching. this was a very big realization for me some months ago, and it set me out on a journey that i thought i was reaching the end of, and now all i see is more road ahead, more of the same heartache and depression and confusion.

i guess this is a pretty typical situation, maybe rehashed one too many times. maybe i'm thinking about it too hard. it is just so perplexing to be told by your head that you need to be alone, and to be told by your heart that you need him. i thought writing it down would help and now i just want to delete this whole entry because it didn't help at all. *sigh*

today, it has been exactly two years since my father died. i can never seem to shake the feeling that everything would be easier if he was here. i know it wouldn't be, i know i have to do this on my own. and this question ultimately has nothing to do with him. but after all, he is the ideal against which i measure all my Someones, and he has definitely run the gamut of relationships. father died of a heart attack when he was 17, left at the altar at 19, married at 22, divorced at 27, remarried at 32. celebrated his 20th wedding anniversary in august of 2001, and a month later he had a time limit on his life. so i somehow feel like he would be able to offer some sage advice at this point in my life, as i'm very nearly following his experiences.

i wonder if cancer really does get everyone in the end. if you live long enough, sooner or later cancer just becomes so probable that it is almost a miracle if you don't get it at some point in your lifetime.

sorry if this is depressing on such a strange and mournful day. it's so rainy and cold outside. i don't mean to scare anyone; i'm not about to go lock myself in my room and weep. lots of good things are happening too. i have begun the move-in process to 439 Third Apt. 7. it is so beautiful and cozy. and i'm beyond excited to be living with emily. i slept there for the first time last night and my bed is AWESOME. full size, sweet mattress, down comforter....you should all come experience the magic. slumber party, fools!

maybe writing all this down did help. i certainly feel like i got something off my chest.