oh my god

You are Tater tots. Go get your own!!

....

oh my god.

my next project

i would move to russia to meet nabokov.
i would go through the trial in the beginning of Xenocide to hang with orson scott card.
i'd become a devout bokonist to be vonnegut's friend.
i would marry seymour glass to be closer to buddy.
i'd be a milk-white mountain if neruda would write a poem using me as a metaphor.
i'd give up my name for jhumpa lahiri.
for yeats i'd be a little silver trout.
for e.e. cummings, i'd be nobody.
for phil ochs, i'd be the landlord's daughter.
i would be the darkness on the edge of town for bruce.
i'd be a wind-up bird for murakami.

the above is a list of things i wrote in my diary years ago that i add to every so often. i just added one and i wanted to tell you. if you've never read haruki murakami...read him. he's awesome. his translation unfortunately always sucks (not that i speak japanese...but sometimes you can just tell) but he shines through like a light at the bottom of a pool.

i haven't seen it in the states, but there's a collection of short stories by him called "after the quake" that is vastly superior to many of the things i've read in my lifetime. i'm just now beginning on "the elephant vanishes" (more short stories) and "norweigan wood" (novel) and they are both thrilling the way fitzgerald is thrilling. somehow, he just always says the most basic thing that much better, and you not only love him for it, you somehow love the world that much more, just imperceptibly, the way you feel when the sun comes out from behind a cloud for just an instant and slices into your vision, warming everything.

i have no conclusion. beat on, boats against the current.

snarf snarf

i've made all these promises to myself that i wouldn't focus on anything but vagmons this week. except...that doesn't work. i'm too scattered. i don't operate on a case-by-case basis--i can't just pick one thing and do it. i need everything, all at once. that's why i'm still working this week, and why i'm wasting time blogging when i should be nailing down the schedule for sunday. thhhpt. thusly:

what a day. woke up early, tried to get work done, but it's very hard to concentrate when one is sick and has not eaten. there was no food in the house though, so i ended up staring at the computer and my notes for about two hours and gave up finally and went to work. did some shit at the theater, put in a bunch of ticket orders (canNOT believe that Curious George falls on the same day as Vagina Monologues. two things i've been working super hard on, and the one i actually get paid for i have to skip. hah! just my luck) and drug my ass to emerson.

they threatened to replace me if i didn't start showing up on time. maybe if they all weren't republicans i could give them some credit, but i hate them all superficially and without consideration, and don't care if i make them wait.

*sigh* was that mean? it's not that i hate them. i mean, i do, but that's personal. they aren't that hard to work with. and the kids are all awesome. and i do love the school. buut....every time i walk in there i am conscious of my entire self just shifting to this moderate-conservative apathetic polite loser mode that i use with boring people, parents, and members of the Michigan Theater. it frustrates me that i'm not more able to express myself around my co-workers and the kids. this sounds radical, but i just want to shake them sometimes and say "you are living in a bubble!!!!" i know--i went to emerson too, and i didn't know shit about the real world until i got out of there. don't get me wrong--private schools--i should say, emerson is an excellent educational facility, and i will always feel at home there. i had an amazing experience. but i really thought that's what the world was like. and i will always battle with the thought that i missed out on something. sure, i had a near-perfect childhood. but now i'm doing all this questioning and feeling radical and lashing out irrationally, and feeling fucking stupid because i'm almost 22 and all the cool kids got this out of their systems long ago. i don't even know what the fuck i'm talking about anymore.

**editor's note: i am referring to the employees of the after-school program, and actually, when it comes right down to it, i don't know if they're republican or not (except two of them for sure). i just don't really get along with them, for various reasons. and republican is like an unequivocal insult to me, like a bad word ("ugh! you look so....republican!" "my god, could you be any more republican?!" "yeah, well, republican you!"). seriously....don't listen to anything i say. i have no idea what i'm talking about.**

so after work i drove around, dropping kids off, and then went to the theater to do some Curious George shit. forgot to clock in AGAIN. i need a radio collar or something that buzzes when i walk right past the time-punch machine and don't punch in. then i drove to east quad, dropped off the set, and drove home finally. decided i needed some food since another day went by without eating, and ordered a dosa and a couple of samosas from madras masala (yes, i do have the number programmed into my cell phone....mmmm dosa). as i was leaving the apartment to pick up the food, my apartment key came off the little ring and i was in a hurry so i just shoved it in my pocket and took off. came back to my building, and dug around in my pocket for the key--and found a hole. fuck. fuck. my apartment key. this always happens to me. like the time i came back to germany from christmas break with my mother (she was staying for two weeks) and my room keys had fallen out of my suitcase. there we were, stuck in the hallway of my building, five or six suitcases between us, exhausted from a 15-hour flight, my german cell phone is out of batteries and i can't get into my room to fricking sit down for five seconds.

so i'm freaking out, but this little voice that has been developing lately in my head (it's probably my dad speaking to me from beyond the grave) goes, "calm down. go look in the car. in all likelihood it fell out there." i took a few deep breaths, left my food in the stairwell and walked out into the rain again. sure enough, there was the key on the seat of my car. phew.

just finished snarfing down all that food (damn, i inhaled that stuff) and now am really going to buckle down and do work. i will not be stressed out. i will focus and think of how much sleep i'm going to get when this is all over.

snoochy boochies

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

...i have no way of knowing if this is accurate. but i guess it could be worse.

slow me down

i got sick of the polka dots.

today i am jacob wrestling with the angel, in which the angel is a dark scary stress monster with long black horns and slimy skin, and jacob is a long haired muscle maiden, and fuckin' throws that bitch down. in short, i am on top of my shit. i got a lot done today. i've even been doing some thinking about the future. soon i will have a lot of time to myself. i decided that i need to get on a non-student schedule. i still think of things in terms of semesters, "spring" "break", and summer "vacation". i'm not going anywhere for break. i am working every day. which is awesome because i'll make some bank and sort of sad because a )i have nothing better to do and b) once everyone comes back form break i'll go back to working 2-3 days a week per job. a more consistent day job needs must be found for me. as soon as the vag mons is over, the search will begin.

the following thoughts are completely unrelated to each other and the above paragraph, and, for that matter, the title of this entry:

i wonder if i'll be able to make it through another winter in ann arbor.

david bowie is my new project. does anyone, like, know anything about him? what albums should i get? i already have "hunky dory."

i was going to go see a movie tonight by myself. i decided not to because i said i'd (and wanted to) hang out with max. but now i have to wait for him to get off of rehearsal and i'm still in the "watch a movie by myself" kind of mood. *sigh* i am never satisfied.

i've got the "iPod's out of battery power, my stomach feels vaguely empty, kind of have to pee, bored and restless, aching for passionate, spiritual, and intellectual transcendance" blues.

FEBRUARY 20

BUY VAGINA MONOLOGUES TICKETS!

please please please come. all proceeds go to SAFEhouse, a local domestic violence shelter. it's quite an experience if you've never seen the show--and if you have, you've never seen it like this. trust me. i promise surprises. never been seen before. go to any ticketmaster outlet or go online. the show is February 20 at 2 and 7:30. don't miss it!

and from another musty section of carol's brain...

how many of you (dear readers) use real names in your blogs? i'm asking because i wonder where to draw the line, you know, internethically speaking. it's a different kind of planet here in the cyber universe, and i don't want to step on anyone's toes, nor have my toes be stepped upon.

i personally feel it's a little inappropriate to use real names, especially if the community you're reaching knows the person you're talking about. this isn't meant to call anyone out and i'm certainly not condemning those who choose to get personal. i would never do it, though, and i think one should at least ask before using anyone's personal information. true, it's not a phone number or an address, but a name is a lot, especially in a small circle of friends.

thoughts?

title

stolen from www.theonion.com (and also, malinksy's blog)

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.

this doesn't bode well for my trip to australia....

thanks for all the luck. the dinner was fine. luckily, my best allies charlie and margaret were there. if it weren't for them...um, things would be worse. heh. i don't know what it would be like to be an only child. once my dad said that my siblings were gifts to me, from my parents. i think of them like that all the time. which is relatively uncool, i suppose--i mean, they are their own persons (people? what the fuck) and not only gifts to me. everything is not about me. but philosophically, maybe everything IS about me. relativism. i perceive everything, therefore it exists. blah blah blah. i'm hungover and spinning a web of nonsense.

i got quoted in current magazine! check out this month's issue. it's not online though. but their website is super out of date.

should i walk to rehearsal? god, i'm tired. maybe i'll drive. meh.

i am in a normal, quiet, nothing-special mood today.

aw heck

tonight i'm having dinner with my mother's fiancee, and i am nervous. ok so it's not like i haven't met him before, or hung out with him, or even talked seriously with him about any number of things. i like the guy. it's not that. i've slept in his house, hung out with his children (my...step-siblings?? weird) and even seen him kiss my mom, which looks surprisingly natural.

so why am i nervous? maybe it's because before this he was just "my mom's friend michael". maybe because everything seemed temporary before. maybe it's because they just set a date for the wedding. august 6th. it's going to be in sydney. yep, australia. they're having a wedding in bloomington indiana, too (where my mother will later live, along with my fourteen year old sister) and a huge reception in ann arbor in july. it all sounds very romantic and exciting. we're spending about two and a half weeks in australia. and then...my mom isn't coming back to ann arbor. she's flying straight to bloomington and moving in right away. my sister is starting school there in the fall and she wants her to have as much time to get acclimated as possible.

i don't know, just feeling weird today. slept very little last night. feel exhausted and like i have too much to do.

wish me luck...